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Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
If Plan A doesn’t work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.
Thinking about starting a line of realistic welcome mats with things like "Please don`t stay long!" or "I hope you brought booze."
Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I`m just a sh!thead."
Whoever is in charge of making sure I don´t do dumb stuff is fired.
"I can`t wait to nail you later" *whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza
Your name should be Gelette because you`re the best a man can get
Does "who cares" count as advice?
"We attack at dawn!" - Hangovers
I need to start setting an alarm to go to bed.
If I was famous I would just knock on peoples doors and be like ... Hello, yes it`s me.
I am really glad the shutdown is over. I`ll tell you something, it was very lonely being the only nonessential employee who was working.
I really hope my spirit animal is a bear because well I would love to hibernate all winter.
I don´t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.