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Most people decide to have scramble eggs immediately after thinking: "I`ll just flip this omelette"
It`s so cold outside I had to put Jack in my Coke to keep it from freezing.
A reality show where a couple wins $10 million dollars if they show nobody a picture of their baby for the first 2 years.
Its hotter than a three peckered billy goat!
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Half of life is screwing up…the other half is dealing with it.
"Dora" only rhymes with "Explorer" if you`re from Long Island, New York
If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night the rice will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you.
What if there actually is one legit Nigerian millionaire prince who genuinely needs to use your bank account?
You make me wanna be a better stalker. No, seriously. Slow the f*ck down.
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Walmart.
Yelling "give me back my panties, you pervert" at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
If you feel lonely... dim all lights & put on a horror-movie. After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore
I hate it when I meow at cats and they don`t meow back. Unbelievably rude
Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.