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If you try and don´t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
I have no words to describe this day. I do however have a number of obscene gestures that would work.
*accidentally answers phone call* ... *pretends to be answering machine*
I`m pretty sure if someone broke into my house, my dog would just show them how much he likes to lick his balls
Let`s be honest, we all have someone on Facebook we wanna bang...with a pan.
Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different from mine.
Soup of the day: Beer
Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don`t even call back people I know.
Facebook should just change it`s name to "People You May Want to Avoid."
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you`re innocent".
Marriage. Because your sh*tty day doesn`t have to end at work
To all who called into work drunk today. Happy St Patrick`s Day.
I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.
Does `virgin wool` come from sheep the shepherd hasn`t caught yet? ..just asking
My dog takes so long to sh!t I can`t believe he`s not out there playing Candy Crush.