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Violently swerving your car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesn`t work like it does with humans. Just in case you need to know.
I heard an ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But then, I can`t drive a bus..
The only thing I hate about beer is that there`s absolutely nothing I hate about beer... :)
Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently, security doesn`t appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.
You know its bad when you feel like your life is being directed by Quentin Tarantino.
My internet went down last week...so I talked to my family....thank goodness the internet came back
If by “clubbing” you mean eating club sandwiches then yeah I’m pretty into the club scene.
Sometimes I find myself envious of how well Waldo can hide..
I like telling people to "grow up" because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say "Took my advice I see"
My wife`s credit cards were stolen last week. I haven`t reported it yet though...because so far, they are spending less than she was.
Adding “and sh!t” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
hey single people..tomorrow is officially `rebound day` after all the ridiculously high romantic expectations end in `epic fail`
If you tell me you`re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
It`s Saturday morning. My neighbor has mowed his lawn AND weeded his garden. I`ve spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Fun Fact about me: The drunker I get, the more karate I know.