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Easter can be just as much fun as an adult as it was as a child. Just paint and hide beer cans instead of eggs.
Have you hugged you bartender today.
Women can walk around all day long in a bikini, but God forbid if you see them in their bras and panties. I will never comprehend this.
Just worked out, I will spend on average 7 years of my life in the bathroom. My wife will spend on average 6.9 years of her life knocking on the door saying " are you all right in there "
"I really should buckle down and get my rap album going"-Me, every time I drink
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what’s going on and there’s a lot of wine drinking.
I`d like to eat healthy, but we all know what happened that time Eve ate an apple. Best not to risk it.
I just saw a bus that you would look amazing under.
Pretending to be nice is exhausting...
Give fat people a break. They have a lot on their plate.
Mark my words: In a year, the leading cause of death will be “Beaten to death with a selfie stick”
I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at WalMart than I do at the gym.
You`re not unlucky. Bad things happen to you because you`re a dumba$$.
What happens in Vegas stays on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Vine, and medical records.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It`s simple. If it`s clean, it`s on the floor. If it`s dirty, it`s on the floor over there.