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Sometimes, numbers are the only thing you can truely count on.
Don’t judge me…If you’re reading this then you aren’t working either.
The home cooked pizza box says to cook the pizza between 14 and 16 minutes. That`s 15 minutes, right? I`m not reading too much into it?
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
My job blocked the Favstar website and I`m not sure if I should quit or take hostages. Haha! Jk. I`m totally taking hostages.
Sometimes, if you believe in something hard enough and deeply enough, nothing happens.
I`ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
I hate it when my fat makes me look fat.
The worst thing about renting movie from a Red Box is that a $1 late fee isn’t enough motivation to get off the couch.
They`ve got this brand new machine at the gym. I only used it for about an hour because I started to feel sick, but it`s awesome - it`s got Mars Bars, KitKat Chunkys, Cheetos, crisps.... everything!
I sure did waste a lot of time as a kid practicing my autograph.
Sometimes you have to flip out and go bat sh!t crazy to make a point.
Today is National animals day, please take a moment to remember your ex :p:p:p.
Grammar is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.
I hope my liquor store is having an after Christmas sale!!