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I don`t understand why people go to the gym all the time... everything there`s so heavy.
I was getting really depressed today but then I realized double cheeseburgers exist
The Internet: An electronic version of, "Now, why did I walk into this room?"
My doctor is getting really tired of me asking if the stuff I see in commercials is right for me.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
They say that money talks, but mine just waves goodbye.
My daughter exclaims "Cheers!" before she takes a drink of juice. So no, actually, I am NOT looking forward to parent - teacher conferences.
My bank lets me send a text message and it will text back with my balance. Its a cool feature but I didn`t think the LOL was necessary.
I knew I was going to jail when I yanked at the cop pants and they didn`t tear away ..
The grass is always greener where the bodies are buried.
You know there was a time in my life where I just didn`t give a f#ck.....funny how it seems that much hasn`t changed from an hour ago!!
I`ll never need a shrink as long as my wife keeps pointing out whats wrong with me...
"kill it before it lays eggs" - is my standard suggestion to any problem