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my ex girlfriends started they`re own website they call it two faced book...
I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know so they have to run a little.
I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
There is really no way of knowing how many chameleons are in the room right now.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching `Night at the Roxbury.` "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"
There`s no life problem that a good "F*ck this shit" can`t solve.
Thank goodness I`m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can`t blame it on the alcohol.
I would’ve slept my way to the top years ago if it actually involved sleeping.
Sometimes I sit and wonder what the world would be like if I wasn`t awesome ... That would be scary.
This bar doesn’t know it yet, but it’s about to be karaoke night.
From all these shows I`ve watched it seems like snipers lay down a lot of the day....I`d probably be pretty good at that job.
I made this margarita with my kids` slushie machine ... Don`t judge
I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever
I`ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia.
I don’t have a bucket list, but my f*cket list is a mile long.