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I bet you $567.89 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
People don`t want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I’m coming to your house with a facking baseball bat.
"Everybody freeze!" -December
Well, if anything, the Mayans did teach us one valuable lesson. If you don`t finish something...it`s really not the end of the world.
My car doesn’t have a passenger airbag but don’t worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you
A simpler, more believable theory is that all the dinosaurs got married and just quit having sex all together.
I once dated a girl with a parrot. The thing was crazy and never shut up! The parrot was cool though.
I`m not "rich" ... But, actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you`re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
You know you`re poor when you sneak into Sam`s Club with some random family just to eat samples for lunch. Yay... Christmas
If you died and went to he!l, how long will it take you to realise that you aren`t still at work?
Time to get Star Spangled hammered. Happy 4th you crazy Americans.
I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.
You can tell how old someone is by what part of the chex mix is their favorite.