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I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Chasing your dreams is hard... especially when that damn alarm keeps going off
I`m not really much of a plumber, but I have laid some pipe before.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have Internet.
The only thing I ever throwback on Thursdays are drinks
Why is it always "I see you drank all the beer today!" instead of, "Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator."
LSD makes users lose weight` That makes sense, it`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.
My therapist just offered me my money back.
I think instead of doing laundry I`m just going to buy a second hamper...
Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
I`m glad it`s the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the sh!t I should be doing.
Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot revenge.
If i had a dollar for everytime i was thinking about you, i would start thinking about you.
Ignoring things don`t make them go away, it makes them drunk dial you.
"There are singles in your area." - me telling a stripper she forgot some money on the floor