Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I don`t ever need to go sky diving or bungee jumping. Leaving a pizza in the oven while I make a quick run to Walgreens is about all the adrenaline rush I can handle.
If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke breaks a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.
Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
If we agree, I`m probably being sarcastic ... Or I`m drunk
I’m like a kid in a candy store. I can’t afford anything.
Flies are everywhere, unfortunately the second I grab the fly swatter, they turn into ninjas.
There are 3 reasons for ”Liking” someone’s Facebook status: 1. I agree. 2. I realise this is about me, so I’m liking it to rub it in your face. 3. I want to bang you.
I’ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn’t need my assistance, so I’m going back to bed.
Dogs love you even if you’re ugly.
I hate when I forget my sunglasses and get caught staring at a woman`s boobs for 20 minutes.
When the girl working the counter says "would you like fries with that?" say.."are you calling me fat??" then burst into tears. Free meal.
The last time I saw something as ugly as your face I pinned a tail on it.
I don`t have a drinking problem, you have a problem with my drinking. Big difference.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
A murderer was about to be put to death in the electric chair. "Do you have any last requests?" asked the chaplain. "One," he replied. "Will you hold my hand?"