Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
I drink to make other people interesting.
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
Ugly people who live in glass houses…shouldn`t live in glass houses.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to "what would you do if you won the lottery"
The first person who discovered how to make popcorn must have been like "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!"
Somewhere, right this minute, someone is reading this sentence.
Sometimes I like to lie in bed, stare at the ceiling and think what it would be like to stare at other ceilings.
Today, I did it hard, I did it loud, it was wet, and I did it four times in a row. I wish I wasn’t talking about sneezing.
I just saw a poster that said, "Have you seen this man?" with a number to call ... So I called the number and told them, "no."
The pizza guy just said "see u tomorrow" ...
The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren`t going to see me 7 more times before then.
I don`t have a drinking problem. If anything, I`m TOO good at it.
Just when I think I`m over my insomnia the car behind me honks.
Never go on a blind date with a friend! She was so big when i took her home she went to my backyard and started grazing.