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When I say "I cleaned my room", I usually mean I made a path from my door to my bed.
Quite honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have even pulled over had I known all you were going to do was criticize my driving.
Got a cat the other day. Had to swerve to get it, but I got it!
I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
When people say things like "You can`t change the past" I can`t help but wonder what it must be like to have that brilliant of a mind.
I’ve realized I get ridiculously nervous driving behind semi’s or trucks carrying sh!t that could fall out and impale me all because of final destination 2.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
What idiot decided it should be my foot`s asleep instead of coma toes?
What`s the hold up on making extremely heavy shoes for toddlers so they can`t run around so much?
Laughing is the best medicine. But if you’re laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn`t have sex.
One of these days I’ll realize that leaning forward in my car while accelerating does not make it go any faster.
.Monday: No. Tuesday: Ugh. Wednesday: Why. Thursday: Omg. Friday: Finally. Saturday: Yes. Sunday: Crying.
Ever wish the choice you made and the “right thing to do” were the same thing?