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Sticks and stones may break my bones but words... words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading toward a lowered self-esteem and irregular bowel movements.
The way my kids act at Walmart, it`s just a matter of time before the security camera footage is a hit reality show!
The wife finally agreed to anal sex... Does anyone know what a strap-on is?
Coworker: What did you do this weekend? Me: Dug holes in the woods. And that is how you get people to shut up.
Ladies, if you are really good at blow jobs, you don’t have to pretend to like football.
Whenever I move into a new neighborhood, the first thing I familiarize myself with is the liquor store coz you know priorities.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
I’m pretty sure putting time limits on when breakfast is served is unconstitutional.
My religious preference, is for you to steer clear of me with yours.
Grant me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot, and a big-a$$ed pitcher of margaritas as “Plan B”
Long busy day, I need one of those hugs that turns into sex.
I tried to login on my iPad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don`t own an iPad. Also. I`m out of alcohol.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Research shows that 100% of the time when someone says “oh no she didn’t!” she most definitely did.
The Spanish version of the Subway jingle “65.63 Peso 0.3 meter largo” isn’t quite as catchy…