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I send more time looking for porn than actually watching it.
Omg!! got 6 numbers on the Lotto.. and the stupid machine didn´t pick any of them
I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.
Meal prepping is basically eating a week`s worth of leftovers from a meal that never happened.
Show me a bunch of people with type A personalities, and I`ll show you a control group.
Blacking out when you’re drunk is god’s way of telling you that it’s none of your business what you do when you’re drunk.
I`m a little stumped by this beer to pee volume ratio.
A lot of attractive people are like nice cars with the check engine light on.
The guy who used to proofread Hitler`s speeches was the first grammar Nazi.
Fact: Pornos aren`t based on actual events.
I was going to do a time travelling joke but you guys didn`t like it.
You might call it ‘whipped.’ I call it `guy who’s getting laid.’
My favorite thing around the holidays is being put into a group message with 200 people reply "Who`s This"
I decided to make a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number 1: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes?
If you play my workday backwards, it`s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.