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that awkward moment when you`re scuba diving and you see Adele rolling in the deep.
Guy on plane : So, where are you going to? Me : I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.
My son and his friends are great ... They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home.
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
Let`s start by taking some notes today. I`m fabulous bitches! Write that down.
Imagine how creepy the first guy to dress up as a clown must have been, where in hell did he get that idea?
My wrinkles are all from laughter. Except those between my eyebrows. Those are my `WTF` lines and those things are deep.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart
If I didn`t drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
If the universe didn`t want me to eat four pop-tarts for breakfast I wouldn`t have four slots on my toaster...
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot. I didn`t even know I had a wife.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
If steroids are illegal for athletes shouldn`t photoshop be illegal for models?
I like calling the Psychic Hotline and asking them what I`m wearing.
Rapunzel is my favorite fairy tale about a woman who finds happiness when a man pulls her hair.