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Got caught up in a really good book last night. I didn`t stop coloring till 2 o`clock this morning.
When the cashier asks "How`s your day going?" I reply "I`m buying 3 bottles of wine, it`s clearly only getting better."
If I were invisible I`d go beat up a street mime...the applause he would get would be incredible
Halfway through singing a romantic ballad to my cat, it occurred to me that I`m going to die alone.
We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like: “Well I’m bored, let’s go brush our teeth.”
Just bought me a medical alert bracelet that says... "probably just sh!tfaced"
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn’t seem so bad now.
Me at age 5 "I wish I had a $1" Me at age 10 "I wish I had $100" Me at age 17 "I wish I had $1,000,000" Me at age 26 "I wish I had $1"
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight... to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Slightly used Christmas tree only one month old. Paid $60. Looking for $40. No low ballers. Serious inquiries only. Come on let`s get this thing done.
I`ve got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I`m gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist, a priest and bail money.
Coffee? I`ll have a cream soda ... One cup of coffee and I`m up all afternoon.
I turned out ok for a kid raised in a large part by Bugs Bunny.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I`d be back to my birth weight.