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If you think this status is funny someone you hate will step on a lego.
My wife’s new cooking show will be called, "Do you smell Something Burning?"
I want someone to look at me the way I look at the waiter when he brings my meal.
I`m not a psychologist,,, but I remember when a Hot Wheels track magically cured 80% of ADHD
It`s Friday! High-five some sh!t!
I dont know whats more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
Hey NFL, solution to your recent problem, start allowing players to hit each other on the field again
I`d like to be poor for a day, because being poor everyday gets to be real annoying after awhile.
If I was a waiter.. I would plant fake engagement rings in every girl`s champagne glass, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Bike helmets only protect you from looking cool.
Divorce: Step 1: She throws all your sh!t in the street Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
I give movies with 2 stars a 5 on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny sh!t.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that`s still a sports injury, right?
If you love something, feed it so much that it get’s too fat for anyone else to want.