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We can`t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
I`m not sure what my spirit animal is, but I`m sure it has Rabies.
I would watch tennis more often if they replaced the ball boys with untrained golden retrievers.
Never judge a book by it`s movie.
The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I`ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
I never forget a breast, I mean face. I never forget a face.
You`ve got to be twins. You`re too stupid to be one person.
The girl in the car next to me is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I`m done picking my nose, I`m gonna smile and wave.
Yes Officer, I carry a knife, but that`s just in case I find a cake.
I can`t wait to get all liquored up, and then go door-to-door to sing some Christmas Carols when it starts to warm up in April...
What I lack in good decisions, I make up for in inappropriate behavior.
When I was a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
I`ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason
I finally finished my 4,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. It reads- " Get a life you sad F**k "
When I see a shoe on the side of the road I wonder if Cinderella is in a nearby house.