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I think its nice my vacuum cleaner has head lights. Just in case I wanna wake up in the middle of the night and clean in the dark, or wake up my dog making him think he’s getting hit by a
I can’t wait until I get that job at Starbucks because I’m going to spell everyone’s name wrong so they can’t instagram their cups.
The key to successful relationships is not to start any.
This one isnt that funny, keep scrolling.
Anybody have plans to stare at their phone somewhere exciting this weekend?
"Have you been drinking . sir?" asks the policeman. "Go Pikachu! Thunderbolt!" "Sir, did you just throw a hamster at my head?"
I have an amazing psychic ability to find objects just before people lose them. Unfortunately, the police call it theft.
After a certain point, the `F` on the thermometer no longer stands for Fahrenheit.
Guys you should never overreact when you hear the words, " The babysitter is late."
no one is perfect thats why pencil have eraser
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
I was fighting with this guy over who`s lazier. I let him win.
Given how enormous the universe is, I assume there’s an alien out there who does a mocking impression of me. Screw you, alien.
I can`t wait til the Presidential race ends so we can stop hating people for their politics and go back to hating people because they`re jerks
To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Sunday morning: Try holding the other end.