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Please excuse me for talking while you were interrupting.
That urge you get to write “No one gives a crap” on someone’s status.
Fun Fact: Even though they call it a "man hole", you can shove women and children down it just fine.
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she pours gasoline around your car.
Pool party at my house, bring ur own pool..
You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.
A procrastinator`s work is never done...
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
I don`t drink to get drunk, I drink to.....no wait, I definitely drink to get drunk.
30 seconds left on the microwave ~ Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone ~ Men: do the space shuttle countdown
A naughty thought is a terrible thing to waste
I wonder if monsters ever get scared that we might be hiding under their bed?
"Estimated Time of Arrival" on the GPS. Challenge accepted!
The real plot hole in Cinderella was that if everything disappeared at midnight why did the shoe stay?
Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale.