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I’m having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it’s mostly grapes actually. Okay, all grapes. Fermented grapes. Ok, I’m having wine for dinner.
Kiss me I`m Irish, put a little tongue in it, I`m French too
Flat screens are nice and all, but they`ll never compare to the television/record player/ liquor cabinet combo extravaganza we had as kids.
I`m thankful for many things, but mostly that there were no camera phones when I was in high school.
Just used the "f word" over on FB so I`m waiting for the villagers with their torches, axes, whatever those people use.
Chuck Norris doesn`t flush the toilet...he just scare the sh!t out of it.
When I squeeze a tube of `whitening toothpaste` and it’s blue, I’m like, well this is off to a bad start.
I need to stop making things more complicated than they need to be. I`m adding that to my bucket Power Point presentation.
Its not you, it`s how you don`t make me sandwiches.
There are a lot of side effects to smoking weed. Like never shutting up about the fact that you smoke weed.
Spent $50 on E-bay to enlarge my happy place. The creep sent me a magnifying glass.
I`m gonna name my son Wussell so people think he has a speech impediment.
I`m not a bitch, I just have a low bullsh!t tolerance.
If you go to dinner alone always ask for a table for two. Look sad as you eat and you will almost always get a free dessert
Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong.