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I`m going to a wedding rehearsal this weekend. Wedding rehearsals are the only time you see someone practice making a mistake.
Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.
Sometimes I meow back at cats.
Coworker: What did you do this weekend? Me: Dug holes in the woods. And that is how you get people to shut up.
Bipolar smile :(: ...... Gets um everytime !
Hurricanes, Fires,Tiger running loose ... Whoever is playing Jumanji needs to wrap it up
Found out today your supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house....just trying to help.
If I was a waiter.. I would plant fake engagement rings in every girl`s champagne glass, just to see their boyfriends panic.
My ex warned me that I would never find a girl like her again....THANK GOD!
At this point Washington DC is basically just an elaborate promotional stunt for Grand Theft Auto V.
I just wanted to send you a quick note letting you know that you`re in my inappropriate thoughts.
Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it’s my modesty that stands out.
The biggest cause of cancer in mice is research.
Apparently, "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed.
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches.