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I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 3 or 4 births before they throw you out.
You know what’s funnier than watching someone trip and fall? Absolutely nothing!
Do whatever you want. And if it’s something you’re going to regret in the morning…sleep late.
My neighbors look at me in a very weird way.. it’s like they never saw a guy with binoculars before.
Marriage counselling: Because sometimes your wife needs to hear from a professional that she`s being a bitch.
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit?
He who laughs first, must be connected to wi-fi.
Let’s all agree to stop saying “I read about it somewhere” and admit that we saw it on Law and Order.
My house is not a mess. It`s just that everything is on display for your viewing pleasure. Like a museum.
I’ve never been a millionaire, but I know I’d be excellent at it.
Me and my recliner...we go way back.
You call them ‘naps’ but I prefer to call them ‘alcohol-induced aftershocks`
I’m bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Just spent like 5 hours talking to my neighbor about his garden and long story short, turns out it was just a f*cking scarecrow.