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I wish more people were fluent in silence.
I worry about what my rubber ducky thinks about me when I`m naked 0.0
Just for fun, next time you see a snooty, rich woman at the grocery store, ask her if she works there.
I always carry a lighter in case I end up at an impromptu concert...or need to set someone`s house on fire. Either way, I`m prepared.
When a girl tells you she has a nipple piercing, the correct response is always "I don`t believe you."
u smile i smile u laugh i laugh u cry i`ll go get a bat and say who`s gonna get it
I just found out that a bucket of KFC when you`re finished with it, also doubles as a porta-potty...
When you’re old, my kids will be in charge. I’m so, so sorry.
Is everything expensive or am I just poor?
"Go left at the chopsticks in the road" - Chinese directions
After 3 "it`s complicated" statuses, Facebook should just default to "Unstable"
I try to conduct myself as a perfect gentleman whenever I meet a lady. Chicks dig that.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait....
Hell hath no fury like a girl tagged in an unapproved pic on Facebook.
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.