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Dear Santa, I would like a thin body and a fat bank account. Don’t mix it up this year!
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it’s my cellphone.
I bought my mother in-law one of those atomic clocks. I can`t wait for the alarm to go off.
Last year I won a $50 gift card to Chili`s at a Christmas raffle. ...... This year I`ve decided my Secret Santa gift is going to be a $14.37 gift card to Chili`s.
I`m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
It was so cold that when we milk the cows we got ice cream.
Plot twist: name your pets after passwords.
The songs I like always come on when I’m supposed to be getting out of my car.
"There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU." Things I say to my kids when we`re in public.
If you loose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Men who claim women belong in the kitchen definitely do not know what to do with them in the bedroom!
If cats could text you back, they wouldn`t.