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I put mirrors on the ceiling because I like to see how I look when I`m eating pizza alone.
Damn it. I missed the number of the day on Sesame Street and now I don`t know how many pills to take.
Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
Dude, I can`t post AND know when the light turns green. I`m pretty, not magical.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.
It`s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
More people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
Working in retail has taught me that the customer is always right. At least while they`re in earshot...
I just wish the automatic paper towel dispensers were half as sensitive as the automatic flushers.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
I don`t care if you wear footie pj`s or sleep with a Snuggie. If you swish Listerine in your mouth for the full 30 seconds, you are BADA$$.
Is your drama going to have an intermission soon? I need to pee.
The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it”
It’s not the holiday season unless you push your body to the brink of alcoholism and diabetes.