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My girlfriend said that I should use the term `make love` instead of `f*ck.` What the make love is she talking about?
At this point I`m guessing the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they completely lost their minds
Kids are like debit cards. I get yelled at when I accidentally leave them at the store.
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole
Everyone is gifted......But not everyone opens their present
The problem with plants is that you have to water them… like more than once apparently.
I got the girl to hysterically laugh today just by asking her out for a date.
I have a few skeletons in my closet. But, every single one of them deserved it.
I`d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Sarcasm is funnier when used on people who don`t understand it.
There`s something I need to get off my chest: Darned Cheetos crumbs.
The one thing women don`t want to find in their stockings on christmas morning is their husband
I wish that life had an option for viewing other available episodes.
?"May contain nudity".. either it does or it doesn`t.. quit waistin` my time.
I feel that being a smarta$$ is my duty. The pay sucks, but the work is very rewarding.