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When I was little we didn`t have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like a bunch of savages.
My girlfriend would be so mad if he found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
I`m going to hell in every religion!
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait...
When i see a person hailing a cab, i run quickly by them and slap them a high five just to boost their enthusiasm!
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s ass to fall off.
Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Love is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait....
10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.
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Tarantulas are like cigarettes. They are pretty much harmless, until you put them in your mouth and light them on fire.
You can`t run from your problems. unless your fat.