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Found out today that you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sorry, strange lady at the Waffle House. Just trying to help...
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
I had no plans on looking sexy today, but sh!t happens.
Figure it out people. It’s a 4-way stop sign not a woman.
I`m not judging you, I`m just trying to guess what medications you`re on.
Don’t waste electricity. How would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?
that an iPhone 6+ in your pocket? Or are you just happy to see me?
Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched....well, at least that`s what the restraining order says.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she`s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says "and I didn`t brush my teeth, either."
When I ask a girl I like why she and her ex broke up and she says "we just didn`t work out" I already know I have no chance since I hate working out
I may be too old to cut the mustard, but I can still cut the cheese.
They should`ve added "Might lose a lot of sleep" in Facebook`s terms & conditions before signing up.
Is it just me, or did anyone else wake up on the SEXY side of the bed this morning?