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Love is like Wi-Fi, you can`t see it, but you know when you`ve lost it.
Sarcasm, I put that sh!t on everything
Do stupid people ever hit a point in their life, where they realize they’re stupid?
I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, boy that must have been really painful.
Relax… We’re all crazy.. It’s not a competition.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I`m not always rude. Sometimes I`m sleeping.
If I ever win the lottery and someone asks me for money I`m going to give them a dollar and say "Here. Go play the Lottery. That`s what I did."
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don`t think it`s weird when I have jam in my hair.
If you want people to know where you stand, wear the same socks for a week
I inherited my dad`s sense of humor. He`s not funny either.
It`s all shits and giggles till someone giggles and shits
You know you had an interesting day when your Google search history includes "rubber panda".
popsicle sticks: $1. caramel: $3. onion: $1. watching ur kid bite into a caramel onion thinking its an apple: priceless.
Can I apologize in advance for basically everything I will ever do???