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My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
3yo just yelled "face-five!" & slapped his brother in the face. I`m totally using that at work tomorrow.
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, get wasted all the time and have the time of your life!
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Last year I won a $50 gift card to Chili`s at a Christmas raffle. ...... This year I`ve decided my Secret Santa gift is going to be a $14.37 gift card to Chili`s.
Please respect the revolving door speed that has already been established.
My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.
The guy who used to proofread Hitler`s speeches was the first grammar Nazi.
I wish conversations were like user agreements, where I could skip to the end and just agree.
Today I caught myself thinking of you and smiling... but it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
Sometimes my life feels like a 40 year long episode of Punk`d...
It`s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
I`m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
A day without sunshine is like, you know... night
If Facebook has taught us anything, it`s that a lot of people are not quite ready for a Spelling Bee.