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I’m crazy but not “LeBron is better than Jordan” crazy.
Dear Noah, we could have sworn you said the arc wasn`t leaving until 5. Sincerely, unicorns.
Today, A 12 year-old came up to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?". I can`t believe kids this age are already so polite.
Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds.
Did you hear about the Cannibal that "passed" his Uncle in the Jungle?...............
I try not to laugh at my own jokes… but we all know I’m Hilarious.
I can`t find my happy place this morning, mind if I goto yours
Although tequila is highly toxic, it can be used to dissolve the friend zone.
Every Chrysler commercial should begin with them apologizing for the PT Cruiser.
I want to live in a world where the Food Network delivers.
The world would be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes...
Your shirt might say UFC but your body says KFC
I don`t hate you, but I hope you fall in love and get married.
My credit score is so bad I have started receiving pre-declined credit card offers
Inspirational status: Today’s probably going to suck. Don’t be a little bitch and handle that sh!t.