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"I don`t know what the f*ck this tastes like." - first person to eat chicken.
I have a confession to make. I was born with a rare disease called “Amazing.”
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Health experts recommend a 1500 calorie diet. For those of you not good with math... that’s a 12-pack of 125 calorie beers. You`re welcome!!! ;)
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin.. I don’t even know what that means but now I’m hungry.
If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.
The best part about having an old VW is driving down the road and watching people punch the sh!t out of each other.
You had me at “We’ll make it look like an accident.”
Is everything expensive or am I just poor?
If you have fewer than 25 FB friends. Please unfriend me because thats just embarassing and I dont want to be on your "loser" list.
If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you`re doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.
Love is like a rubber band, we keep pulling, someone let’s it go, and it hurts the one who held on.
There’s nothing worse than getting $0.99 back in change.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
It makes me sad that the closest I`ll ever get to `hulking out` is splitting my trousers when I bend over.