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When people said they sleep like a baby, it`s because they do not have one.
It`s nice to know I`m wanted....even if it`s only by the Police!
Saying an actors performance was unbelievable is actually an insult.
Always keep a note in your medicine cabinet that says, “I thought you were peeing?”
Summer is real cool until every f*ckin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, “Yes, we’ve met before.” So they feel awkward trying to remember me.
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of reasons why I drink in the first place?
Having a mohawk used to mean you were tough. Now it means you’re a 3 year-old with annoying parents.
The synonym for `reality` is `offline`
Facebook crushes are all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket.
Home: Where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
I think it`s about time Taylor Swift wrote a song called "Maybe I`m the Problem"
Today is opposite day. Wait...if today is opposite day and I say that it is opposite day that means today isn`t opposite day. If it isn`t opposite day then how cAn I say today is opposite dAy? I`m so confused -.-
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards, it`s an uplifting film about dinosaurs and people who work together to rebuild an island.
The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.