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When I want to trim down my friend`s Facebook list I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it`s like excuse me, I`m working here.
I wanted to say thank you to all the people who gave me a reason to drink this Friday night.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don`t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
Instead of calling it the John, I call my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.
Big deal, Times Square, I drop the ball at least twice a week.
If wookies have a 400 year life span, then Han Solo is basically like Chewbacca`s third dog.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
“I wish there was a more convenient way to stalk others”- The phrase that started Facebook.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
im so hungry, im farting fresh air
Ladies, stop looking for a guy to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job
Considering that dogs pee to mark territory, they probably think humans are constantly battling over who gets to claim the toilet.
I dream about naps.
How long does it take to get obsessed?