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I can not be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.
The first rule of Right Club is that your wife is the only member of Right Club
People with 1 syllable names ruin the happy birthday song
You don’t realize how many people you hate until you have to name a baby or a dog...
Someday, I`ll live in my OWN basement!
It`s weird to think that these Forever Stamps will outlive me.
I’m taking care of my procrastination issues; just you wait and see.
People who have more than 10 items in the express line… We see you and we are judging you.
I just googled "Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don`t Fear the Reaper?" and my first response was, "Go outside and do something."
I can tell by your boobs that you`ve never seen a bar tab.
Good for you, people that do things.
Dear women at Walmart with 6 screaming kids: if your wondering how that box of condoms got in your cart.... Your welcome!
There`s a time and a place for non-alcoholic beer. Never, and down the drain.
"If Donald Duck doesn`t have to wear pants than neither do I!"- Me getting drunk at Disney World.
Never take advice from people on the Internet. Not even this.