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I`m not sure if I actually have free time or there are things I`m forgetting to do.
Why do medications always have side effects like `anal leakage` & `suicidal thoughts`? Why not `invisibility` or `spontaneous orgasms`?
The next time there`s an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they`d leave that one on too.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults - $9.00, Under 12 - $ 6.00, Under 3 - $249.00
I spend the first half of work fantasizing about all the different places I could go for lunch.
25% of of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. The other 75% are running around untreated.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don`t use words like "East."
If I could turn snarky sarcasm into a paying job, I could be employed for infinity.
This guy at the gym just did four sets of selfies.
Can you imagine if Facebook and Twitter just decided to shut down and you see all these confused people coming out of their house squinting at the sun.
No matter where you live, there’s always 1 light switch that doesn’t do anything.
It`s kind of funny how as you get older, you start enjoying things that you hated as a kid, like taking naps and getting spanked.
I just slid off the couch and lay on the floor for a while and eventually sat up without using my hands, is that a yoga class?