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The worst part about looking for a job is if you`re successful, you end up with a job.
Do these `Skinny Jeans` make my blood circulation look more than purple or less than purple?
Why is it that when my wife refers to her friends as "girlfriends" its normal but when i call my male friends "boyfriends" i lose my friends?
I was called a sexist today ... I said, I think you`re mistaken ...its pronounced sexy
When you are dead, you don’t know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
“Hey baby, do you smell that?” “No.” “Me neither, start cooking.”
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven`t even seen me in bed yet.
I never run with scissors…those last two words were unnecessary.
Depression is wanting to lay down and realizing that you are already laying down.
Welcome to my bedroom,this is where the magic happens.....and by that I mean this is where I read my Harry Potter books.
"it`s the thought that counts" doesn`t include showering. You have to actually do that.
has a Massive drinking problem ... there is no alcohol in the house!
My local news station says it gives us " news when it breaks " ...I want unbroken news!!
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.
Admit it: you have all tried to rap in the shower..