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My first career was working as a Ventriloquist on a Radio Program, I got let go when people kept calling in to say my lips were moving.........
People like you are the reason why the middle finger was invented
I’m giving co-workers the silent treatment by sending them blank emails.
I enjoy being the black sheep of the family ... Black sheep are the prettiest & don`t show as much dirt as the white ones.
If Freud was alive today he would probably be awesome at telling "Yo Momma" jokes.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
Before criticizing my taste, remember that I like you.
When I say ‘it’s a long story’, it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
We all have that friend who acts innocent but understands all the dirty jokes.
Roses are red. Monsters are green. Just look in the mirror. You`ll know what I mean.
I can`t wait to find my soul mate so I can start sleeping on the couch.
It`s amazing what you can accomplish when you do stuff.
Pizza will never tell you you`re fat unless you`re high as sh!t, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
Jogging with a stroller is great exercise! And hard work for whoever is pushing me.
Microsoft Excel has got to be the worlds worst video game.