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How many "zero likes" do you have to get on Facebook before you realize nobody gives a crap about you
Advantage #46 of being single. I have entire closets that are completely empty.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Does anyone have the recipe for ice cubes? Asking for a friend.
It`s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Tenderizing the meat sounds a lot sexier than it is
Do you ever just sit there and think “why am I not rich”?
Just got in 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick an ice cube up off the kitchen floor.
There is no greater stress than the stress of a guy who forgot his phone & left it at home with his wife.
Sometimes not being in control is the most awesome feeling in the world.
You know your old when your back goes out more than you do.
Do they have to play movies so loud at the theatre? I litterally have to scream into my phone.
I hate when I accidentally eat everything in sight.
When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don’t have if they are asking me for advice.
Coffee shops should have a separate line for people who are late for work.