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They say the camera adds 10lbs. Stop eating cameras!
When you`re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don`t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
I really don`t have time for people that don`t find me hilarious.
I was just chatting with my cat about how being lonely can make a person crazy.
If “too drunk to stand” is a yoga pose, then I’m nailing that one.
Just once would I like to see the "Phone a Friend" lifeline on Millionaire go straight to voicemail.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Can`t believe people still say "pot" it`s not the 70s anymore we call it "saucepan" now
Pointing out the food you just dropped on the floor to your dog because you`re too lazy to clean it.
Life is so hard when you have twenty TV shows to watch.
ready for bed - gunna give my sheets some arse and my pillows head;]
Have I been drinking? Clearly officer, you`re no detective
If I’ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee`s you`re buying it off of sure can.
If you cut your child`s sandwich into squares instead of triangles, you suck at parenting...