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Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,...Why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?
Weather forecast for tonight: dark
If someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
My high school girlfriend got "uses her kids as her facebook profile picture" fat.
Let`s start by taking some notes today. I`m fabulous bitches! Write that down.
During the first two weeks of January, people often resolve to lose weight, which is great for me because the line at Golden Corral is much shorter.
My kids keep bugging me about dinner, even after I keep telling them I already ate.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside
So many Jehovah`s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah`s Evidence.
Sitting in traffic like the non-helicopter owning loser that I am.
I once dated a woman who thought windmills were solar powered. I`m so glad I don`t drink anymore.
If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is “My God how does he drink his beer??”, You might be an alcoholic.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
I`m tired of making the same mistakes over and over again. Does anyone have any new mistakes I can borrow?