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At least mosquitos are attracted to me.
How is it possible that we have one hand that can do everything while the other hand is all, “I can’t even hold a pencil”?
I have a feeling my check liver light will come on this weekend
I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become..
Don`t under estimate me... unless you`re trying to guess how old I am or how much I weigh.
You had me at "I hate that b!tch too".
"Sleeping on the couch" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you`re not allowed to use them. Because nothing says class like useless towels.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it?
Nothing says "I love you" like my cat aggressively bathing itself immediately after I pet her.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven`t even seen me in bed yet.
You know it`s been a good night when you wake up and see bite marks on the walls...
Nothing says “friend zone” quite like a woman saying “you’re like a brother to me.” Unless you’re from Alabama.
Not to get technical, but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.