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How come the energizer bunny beats a drum instead of doing something like working the cashier register at Wal-Mart?
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension. The fact that I am dragging a body should be entirely irrelevant.
It doesn`t matter how old you are, If you hear the ice cream truck jingle you jump out the window for that sh!t.
If going to church has taught me anything, it is that Catholics hate unexpected pterodactyl impressions.
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren’t there Starbucks pumpkin spice latte trucks in the winter?
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I`m alright, but I feel like, well, like I`ve dyed a little inside.
The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time…
If the wicked witch of the west melts in water ... How did she bathe?
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please dont let Kevin Bacon die!
You know you had a good night when you have to Google map yourself in the morning to find out where the hell you are.
If at first you don´t succeed ..... buy her another drink
Just a friendly reminder, there are a minimum of three spiders in your room at all times. Goodnight...
If a gay guy doesn`t write a book called "Fifty Shades of Haaaaaayyy" I`ll be disappointed.
My new dating profile just says "I`m tired of masturbating."
Does this floor I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?