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I told you I was trouble. You should have listened to me instead of staring at my boobs.
The patience I have for my kids is directly proportional to the amount of people watching me.
Holiday Shopping Tip #112:Next time you see someone with their arms full of bags looking around a parking lot while pointing and clicking their horn button, help them out and start pushing your horn button too!
To the untrained eye, I`m quite handsome.
This year thousands of men will die from stubbornness....NO WE WON`T!!
We`re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap...
Life in the fast lane ? Heck, I live in oncoming traffic.
I`ve been on a diet for 2 weeks and all I`ve lost is 14 days.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it`s only Tuesday
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job there.
That urge you get to write "No one gives a sh!t" on someone`s status..
Milk Duds: When you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw
That awkward moment when your trapped in the corner of your shower because the hot water ran out.
My motto for the night ... drink till I no longer think :)
I like to listen to mexican radio but I dont know what they are singing or saying so I just pretend they are singing about how awesome I am.