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I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"
Dear shaving commercials, stop shaving hairless legs. If you want impress us, please shave a gorilla.
My brain is giving me the silent treatment today.
In all my years, I have never finished a pencil.
Isn`t it strange that bankruptcy attorneys don`t let you make payments....
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that`s not a risk I`m willing to take.
I`m a responsible person. People are always saying "I know you`re responsible for this."
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I`d highly recommend Fight Club.
Well after 6 months of my girlfriend nagging, I finally did it, I lost 120lbs ... I`m sure gonna miss her.
A word to the wise isn`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
"Never go to bed angry" is the worst advice ever. I haven`t slept in a week!
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn`t starving!!
I try not to laugh at my own jokes. But we all know I`m hilarious.
The statement `Hey! Calm down!` has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down
I have many talents... For example: Sleeping.