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So exhausting to have my life changed for the better every time someone posts a screenshot of a famous quote.
Yes I`m still bitter about my name not being mentioned in "Mambo No. 5"
Some people just need sympathetic pat.........on the head........with a hammer
I did responsible things all day so tonight will consist of nothing that even resembles responsibility.
Dancing in the 70`s: I have absolutely no idea what I am pointing at
200 pictures of you at the bar and 2 pictures with your kids. You must be quite the mom.
I thought I was having déjà vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
I`m an optimist. I didn`t lose a sock in the dryer. I found an extra one!
Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.
Just saw Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter... So that`s how it happened! I knew what I learned in history class was a bunch of crap!
he who laughs last thinks slow
Families should be able to trade people, just like professional sports teams.
My To-Do list for today is just a bunch of things I wanna eat.
I pulled my wife`s panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.
I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them