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I don’t mean to alarm you but you know those people in your office that can’t work the fax machine? They’re driving home on the same roads.
I did responsible things all day so tonight will consist of nothing that even resembles responsibility.
I don`t "get lost". I find creative ways to get places I didnt know I wanted to go.
If airports are so safe, why are the buildings called Terminal
Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.
Nothing ruins a perfectly good mood like reality.
6 inch - about right, 7 inch - cant complain, 8 inch - f*cking perfect, 9 inch - a bit much, 10 inch - its hurting my insides, 11 inch - I cant take it anymore, 12 inch - I`m absolutely f*cking destroyed ... Aren`t pizza`s just awesome.
I hope these environmentally friendly toilets save at least 3x the water because that’s how many times I need to flush.
People think that a girl`s dream is to find her perfect guy & be with him forever... That`s Crap! A girl`s dream is to eat without getting fat.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there`s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food
My favorite sex position is, "don`t tell anyone we did this".
I’ve never been a millionaire, but I know I’d be excellent at it.
My ice bucket challenge: 1. Buy bucket 2. Add ice 3. Add 12 beers 4. Sign into FB and drink
Sometimes I get mad about having to unload the dishwasher but then I remember a machine just washed my dishes for me.