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Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different than mine.
Some people are normal. What an awful, boring existence that must be.
I spent an hour at Walmart last night.. I can now totally disprove evolution.. O_o
I think my girlfriend’s hallucinating. She keeps telling me she’s seeing other people.
I`ve come to terms with the fact that I will never experience leftover pizza.
I don`t have a drinking problem, I just celebrate everything! Like the fact that shirts have armholes, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
That very akward moment when Shakirah`s hips lie!
I love arguing with you so much, I`ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Sleep is my drug, the bed my dealer, the alarm clock the police.
tried being normal. Didn`t like the feeling, so I`m going back to being ME.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I`m great at pole dancing.
Just completed my sexual harassment training and I think I`m finally ready to start harassing people.
What am I taking to the Family Thanksgiving feast? Tupperware.
Check this one out.........1
New Game: Attach a mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.