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You never know what you are missing,until you clean your room.
I`ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead, but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
Yoga pants are just push up bras for your butt.
The fox says you need to stop.
Just burned 2000 calories. That`s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap.
Don`t look at me in that tone of voice...
Every day is a constant battle of trying to convince myself I don’t like cookies.
If you ever hit rock bottom, bring some beer. I`m almost out.
Someone just called me normal, I`ve never been so insulted in all my life!
Retirement plans compared .. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left. But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for recycl
Don`t you just love it when you see someone who is photogenic, looks perfect in every picture but then when you see them in person you`re like EURGH God Damn! What happened to you in the last 24h!
I don`t need your advice. I do a great job of screwing up my life all by myself, thank you!
I often worry about the safety of my children, especially the one that is rolling their eyes at me & talking back right now.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.