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My doctor asked me if I drink to excess. I told him I would drink to anything.
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit? Asking for a friend.
I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn`t that what M.O.M stands for?"
Who let the owls out?? Don`t sing the chorus you`ll make it worse.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Accidentally took a women`s multi vitamin & I`ve been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.
Guess what I saw today? ... Everything I looked at.
I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to them.
Why do they have “limited edition” scented candles? Are there crazy people collecting these things?
If cats could talk, they`d probably always be correcting your grammar.
Here’s your social security card. It’s paper & has to last you forever. Don’t laminate it. Good luck! -The Government
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.
Is it just me, or would those movies had been far scarier if they were titled "Monday the 13th"
Did we try giving the government a snickers?