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United States is where moms get a day and shark get a whole week.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
When I see you in hell I`ll still ignore you
Dear Maytag: Why don`t your dryers have a Fold cycle? It`s 2018 for chrissake!
2015 and still no thieves interested in my identity.
I don’t always have time to study, but when I do, I don’t.
If you`re having second thoughts, you`re 2 ahead of most people.
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes...
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It`s not working. I cant take it anymore, I`m going to moms" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?
I’m pretty good at keeping my sh!t together. Until there’s a bee around.
I’m glad you spent $80 on makeup to look like a $5 whore. Well done
This is not meant for you. Look away. STOP LOOKING AT IT! :)
"Always leave them wanting more" is my new mantra when paying bills.
My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I`m pretty damn excited.
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that it doesn`t let you skip.