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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ...I sent it anyways.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Finally did it. 25 inflatable mattresses later and I’ve finally turned my apartment into a bounce castle.
If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together would they call it Amazon Web Services?
If you want your team to win a sporting event just tell me. I will root for the other team. That will guarantee a win for your team.
I may not be the richest guy...or the smartest guy...or the funniest guy...or the best-looking guy...or the .....:( Forget it, now I`m depressed.
Sometimes putting on pants is the hardest part of my day.
There`s no panic like trying to press "End" when you make an accidental call.
I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It’s obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.
If he pauses a video game to text you, he`s probably already losing, no need to feel special or anything,
The worst part of Aquaman`s day has to be, when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
You know if you say gullible slowly it sounds like oranges :)
Feeling pretty good about myself today so I`m going to go meet up with an ex-girlfriend to bring me back down to normal
I thought my life would include more impromptu sing-alongs.
Most people who think I`m a nice person have no idea that I`d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.