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Multi-tasking: the art of screwing up everything all at once.
Radio Shack has stayed in business with a name combining something no one buys anymore and a type of building no one wants to go into.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn`t know you did that for fun.
On the subject of sex, my parents told me `the man goes on top, and the woman underneath.` No wonder I got divorced. For 3 years my ex-wife and I slept in bunk beds.
How are poor people so good at finding money for tattoos?
Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.
Like a stoned man once said, I can`t remember.
Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean… on tables, chairs & random ugly people.
I call it a Cupcake Salad. And I don`t see how it`s any of your business.
Do homeless people get Knock Knock Jokes?
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah`s ark.
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"
Sleep is like a time machine to breakfast.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I`m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that`s cheating?
Leave a comment if you`ve started drinking. Hit the `Like` button if you`re already sh!tfaced. *Cheers*