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Do you ever wish you were a monkey? Then if you got mad at someone, you could just fling your poo at them. Problem solved.
That awkward moment when you make a Harry Potter reference and none of your Muggle friends get it.
have you ever been like "what`s the day today? ... no i mean the like the number".
If you have a tattoo on your face, you`ve lost the right to ask me what I`m looking at.
I posted one little joke claiming to have won the lottery and Facebook finds me 1,347 new possible relatives.
When one door closes and another one opens, your house is probably haunted.....
Guess what`s brown and sticky... a stick.
Hey people who buy bottled water for their dogs, can I have some money?
My right thumb is in the best shape of my life.
Fat, single and ready for a Pringle.
people say nobody`s perfect..i made nobody!..
Me and my recliner...we go way back.
If I keep hitting the treadmill like I do every night, in a few weeks maybe I`ll learn to turn on the light when I get up to pee in the dark
Iām still kind of pissed they never told us how to get to Sesame Street.
Why can`t things be simple like they use to be? I show you a bug I found, we share a snack pack, and then you`re my girlfriend.