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I want to spend the rest of my life photo bombing the Google street view camera shots dressed as Waldo.
I just made you think of an elephant
People don`t want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.
Perverts can contribute to society. Look at the disturbed individual who discovered cow`s milk.
Marriage. Because your sh!tty day doesn`t have to end at work.
All my bills say "outstanding", I guess that means I`m good to go!
If no one from the future comes back to stop you, is it really that bad of an idea?
The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
Whoever said “two wrongs don’t make a right” has obviously never experienced McDonalds breakfast after a night of binge drinking.
My wife treats me like a God…She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.
I`m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose "baby weight" is to have the baby.
The best thing about the internet is knowledge. You have all this knowledge at your fingertips! And we get to share what we learn with others! Oh...wait a second. I forgot about porn. OK I take it back. PORN is the best thing about the internet!
If pigs could fly, nobody would be eating chicken wings.
Drink coffee! ... Do stupid things faster with more energy.
I’m trying to read a book about how to relax, but I keep falling asleep