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I don`t always play candy crush. But when I do, I have tourettes like a motherf*cker.
I don`t care how the future pans out, any amazon delivery from now on is referred to as a drone strike.
Life can be like Chess sometimes. I don`t know how to play Chess.
Just seen the new Batman shampoo in Costco. I can`t believe they haven`t paired it up with a conditioner Gordon.
When a girl tells you she has a nipple piercing, the correct response is always "I don`t believe you."
Siri, destroy the vehicle in front of me.
I like how flies rub their hands together like tiny criminals
When I say "It’s a long story," it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
This silly farmers market doesn`t have any locally grown pizza.
An empty web browsing history is a sure sign of guilt.
Tell a girl she pretty she`ll believe it for a minute. Tell a girl she has Miley Cyrus` butt she`ll believe it for a lifetime
I`ve started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.
I`m sleeping in tell Friday so ... Happy Tuesday.
I always assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
My Christmas present to all of you? I took a naked selfie and deleted it.