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To be honest, I panic a bit right before I have to pronounce Worcestershire sauce.
I haven`t slept for three days, because that would be too long
When all else fails… Pizza & Beer.
I gave up my Ego, because I am so much better than that..................
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit?
Life is a constant battle between my love of food & not wanting to get fat.
If my calculations are right, by November of 2019 my uneven usage of conditioner will finally lap the shampoo and I will run out of both at the exact same time.
I`m tired of doing math. I guess I`ll get my lazy as up and fix my clocks today
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
Im not fat I´m just easier to see
I declare today, “Hit that dumb person you’ve always wanted to punch in the face day.”
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don`t have a moon where I live.
It’s not drinking alone if the dogs are home, right?
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
Bored? Simply send a text to a random number saying "I`m pregnant"