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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is a complete idiot.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
The more neighbors I spy on through my binoculars, the creepier I think all my neighbors are!
Thought cartoons were getting better. Turns out it was a news story about Justin Bieber.
Turns out fantasy football is nothing like I thought it would be. Anyone interested in a naughty quarterback outfit? Serious inquiries only.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. A broken heart makes you wiser. And alcohol makes you not remember any of that sh!t.
My husband told me that he would leave me if I didn`t give up all my bad habbits.....I nearly choked on my toe nail!
How do they even grow boneless chicken`s?
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
They should paint the bottom of swimming pools with satellite photos so it feels like you’re flying.
what is the first thing a homeless person does when he`s on a computer? he searches through the recycle bin
I love myself everyday. Sometimes, twice a day.
I just want you to be happy. And naked.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That`ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.