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A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I`ve probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
Huge spoiler here ... Did you know Dave is actually NOT the real father of Alvin, Simon, and Theodore.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Attention fuels immaturity
if you hold a dinner fork really close to your eyes, you can pretend that they`re in jail
I either get what I want or I change my mind!
My life coach is the cashier at the liquor store.
You’re not in a serious relationship until he leaves you in a room alone with his phone.
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my phone. 1. I don`t have a girlfriend.
When a girl tells you that she just had her period, you are officially in the friendzone.
I don`t normally poop with the door open, but I don`t want to miss the in flight movie
My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.
The synonym for `reality` is `offline`
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, "It`s okay, I think we lost him."
I hate long distance relationships. That`s why I moved the fridge into my bedroom.