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My Therapist told me not to drink while I`m on my Meds but little does she know...I`ve been off my Meds for almost a week now!
Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow...alcohol is 1 in 5. You play your game...I`ll play mine
Must you really ask why I have my selfie on top of my Christmas tree?
Yesterday was international ninja day and I didn`t even know. Well played ninja day, well played.
Next time you are in a restaurant, give this a thought. The fork you are using has been in the mouth of hundreds of people. Now look at the people eating right by you. Scary, right?
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that I’d have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
Turns out if you fake your death every monday work catches on.
Why do people ask “What the hell were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
People who don’t like pizza are people you don’t need in your life.
Be careful who you call friends. I`d rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies.
I am a Mother hear me roar.....especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Google image results are like a party that starts off exactly how you expected and gets weirder the longer you stay.
Someone just called me normal, I`ve never been so insulted in all my life!
Relatives comin` ~ hide all awesome stuff!
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, “try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal”