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Nothing is really lost until your mom can’t find it.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
People like you remind me how lucky I am that my cell phone provider has a block option! Just sayin.
Cant imagine the look on Obamas face when he saw `Olympus Has Fallen`..His next quote would have been.."No more Taiwans in the secret Elevetor office"
I`m thankful for pizza and burgers... and ice cream and bacon and fries and... F*ck it, I`m thankful for food. I love you, food.
I hate it when people rub things in my face... unless it`s two boobs.
If you ever get caught sleeping during work, just slowly raise your hand and say "In Jesus name I pray, Amen."
SNAUGHLING: Laughing so hard you snort, then laugh because you snorted, then snort because you laughed.
There`s nothing like hearing the laughter of a baby. Unless it`s 1AM and you`re home alone.
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, never mind, you will know who you are soon enough.
So many fun things to say … too many relatives on Facebook to post!
When I die I`m going to go to heaven and God is going to be like nope, remember what you said on Facebook
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions
Things I`m confused by: how did Rub a Dub Dub, Three Men in a Tub become a nursery rhyme?
I wish real life had as many ejection seats as cartoons.