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The difference between “like” “love” and “in love” is the same as the difference between “for now” “for a while” and “forever”
I`m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I`m running out of people I can tolerate!
Is there a way to politely throw breathe mints in someone`s mouth while they`re talking?
If you can`t fix it with duct tape or beer ... it ain`t worth fixin`
Dear who ever’s reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
I only seem to remember I want to lose weight after eating 6 cookies.
Without the sanctity of marriage there wouldn`t be job security for divorce attorneys and marriage counselors.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a big sign of disrespect.
Step aside coffee, this job is going to take hard liquor.
I really don`t know what the big deal is about Black Friday. I black out every Friday....
Dieting Tip, 1. Make a list of people who have a problem with your weight, 2. Cut them out of your life. 3. Enjoy having lost Hundreds of pounds of Idiots.
I prefer to think outside the box because things can get very dark inside it.
The restraining order doesn`t mean we can`t hangout. It just says I can`t get within 50 ft of you. So you wanna play catch or frisbee or something?
Safety Tip: lock your doors and windows before bed. Btw, I love what you`ve done with the place.