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Oh my gosh! It`s a Hot Wheels car! Something you never want to hear during a prostate exam.
When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
I don`t think we do get smarter as we get older. I just think we run out of stupid things to do.
I feel like the majority of Eminem`s songs are just him reading from his diary with angry background music.
Every woman needs a shoulder to cry on, a shoulder to lean on and a shoulder to hold her bra strap on!!!
The bed is always the comfiest right at the time you are supposed to be getting out of it
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
My shrink says if I take these pills I won`t see you guys anymore.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming for their lives like the passengers in the back of his truck
Ebay is really getting worse and worse to use. Yesterday I searched for a cigarette lighter. I got 3,974, 601 matches...
There`s no WE in pizza.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.
A 4-way stop is an IQ test you take in public.
I just wanna be the reason your doctor puts you on a new medication.
Burglars must love "My Family Stickers". They can wait in front of someone`s house, count the people that leave, and know if they have a dog or not...