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Sometimes, late at night in WalMart, I switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits.
If you want your team to win a sporting event just tell me. I will root for the other team. That will guarantee a win for your team.
Give a kid a Pop Tart and they eat for a day. Teach a kid how to make a Pop Tart and you sleep in all summer
Congrats on your secret admirer! Must be nice having someone who’s ashamed to admit they like you!
I`m happy that my grandma thinks that a iPad is for wet and leaking eyes
I don`t know if I should tip the bathroom attendant, or charge for letting him watch...
That`s a lot of selfies for someone that claims to be emotionally stable
It’s what’s on the inside that counts, unless you’re talking about one of those hollow chocolate bunnies.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Reason number 347 why I hate Facebook: A guy from high school posted 11 new photos all with the caption "me"
When dealing with women, you can either be right or get laid. You can`t have both.
If pigs could fly, nobody would be eating chicken wings.
Life gets expensive when you trust a woman that`s cute.
These are not pizza stains on my shirt they are pizza memories, wonderful wonderful memories.
if you don`t have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.