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You never know whats going on in your life until you’re f*cked up.
Stovetop Directions: 1.) Use microwave.
Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Well...today is the day. Just gotta build up the nerve to tell my dog she is adopted.
Sometimes I take a bath because it’s hard to drink wine in the shower.
They should really be Middle-Age Mutant Business Turtles by now.
Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don`t even call back people I know.
Car next to me in the liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has seven kids! ... I better get in there quick! She`s gonna buy it all.
You’re really not as bad as people say. You’re much, much worse.
When do you take 5 hr energy? Right when I get off work ..12am!..beer here I come!
Tupperware is so handy for those times when you feel like throwing out your food another day.
Is it weird that I`m 43 years old and have a secret handshake with 3 adults.....and my dog?
People who say you can´t buy happiness just don´t know where to shop.
My 5 year plan includes purchasing a Slurpee machine.