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If you say "I slept like a baby" in front of me, I`ll ALWAYS assume you woke up every 2 hours, pissed yourself and cried for your mommy.
I just don`t want to look back and think "I could`ve eaten that"
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
Somebody needs to invent a voice-activated refrigerator on wheels.
Today`s Facebook forecast: Partly boring, increased drama, and a really good chance of bullsh*t.
Preheating an oven requires too much commitment.
You know nothing about a woman until she`s drunk and mad at you
I give great marriage advice if you want to be divorced.
Women are so silly sometimes, thinking men actually care if they fake it.
I think I speak for everyone when I say we hate being spoken for.
The only man worth waiting for is the delivery guy
I don`t know why they call it Everclear. I drink that stuff and everything is a blur.
How can society expect me to be a mature productive member of it I don`t even know if it`s spelled gray or grey
In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish.
With all the new car technology you would think someone could invent a side mirror that could show where an object actually appears.