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If you figure me out I want an explanation.
The worst part about looking for a job is if you`re successful, you end up with a job.
We still don`t know sh*t about that airplane. - NEWS
"Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I`ve ever been asked.
Boobs, because you can`t motorboat a personality.
I have the body of a God. Unfortunately, it`s Buddha.
My inner child has a bottle of vodka in one hand, a whip in the other and a broken halo sticking out of her back pocket.
Respect your parents, they pay for your internet.
The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house ... I got the outside.
People are like dogs: There`s always someone who loves you for you and there`s someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
A dirty mind is f*cking beautiful!
If the universe didn`t want me to eat four pop-tarts for breakfast I wouldn`t have four slots on my toaster...
When I ask a girl I like why she and her ex broke up and she says "we just didn`t work out" I already know I have no chance since I hate working out
You know it`s cold outside... when you step on dog poop and roll your ankle
I imagine some people are like...: `should I take the shower?...no...I`m taking the train today...`