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I`m amazed at the mileage my car is getting. I`m still running off the same tank of gas I bought last year!
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When i quized him on it, he reckoned he could stop aaaany time . . . .
Dear therapist, I might actually come see you if your job title didn`t spell out “the rapist” Sincerely, not lying down.
Basically the way it works is I tell myself I`m not going to eat too much and then I eat too much.
If someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with the chair I was sitting on!
I learn something new every day that I didn`t want to know.
I don’t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence…but hey, somebody has to do it!
I hate it when people are holding a device capable of using google and they ask me stupid questions.
That awkward moment when you open a fortune cookie and all you get is some vague, cryptic statement that`s not even a fortune.
If wookies have a 400 year life span, then Han Solo is basically like Chewbacca`s third dog.
Ahhh..Sunday..the biggest decision of the day...to bathe or not to bathe.
A panda never pays his bills, because he eats shoots and leaves!!!
Wow, that Macy`s parade is crazy! The Kanye West float just cut off Snoopy and said Woodstock can fly better!
Hysterical Shrieking should be reserved for truly serious situations such as Centipedes, Spiders, and that Creepy Uncle that likes to give everyone back rubs.....