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Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
I`m thinking about investing some serious cash in gold....or maybe some other color.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it’s only Thursday.
I hate it when I don`t forward a chain letter and I die the next day.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny and thin. It`s a public service really.
I haven`t been this disappointed since I first saw a real hedgehog and it wasn`t blue.
I laugh in the face of normal.
I don`t know why the Petco cashier gave me this look when I asked for the fish`s Birth date.
True Story: People will believe you when start a story saying "True story"
If she burns the bacon, she`s no good bro
Never look directly at the people having a sizzling plate of fajitas delivered to their table... It’s what they want.
You ever notice that the number of extra steps a drunk takes getting home? ...its staggering!
Bands who can`t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
When someone wants to talk behind your back, FART!
I was driving thru Farmville and I had to pee ... so I pulled over and fertilized your crops