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Whoever named the seesaw probably didn’t get another chance to name stuff.
How do I tell my boss I don`t want to do work anymore but still want money.
Sit-ups are my favorite form of exercise because I get to lay down every few seconds.
*accidentally answers phone call* ... *pretends to be answering machine*
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
I think salads help you lose weight because they`re gross and you end up not eating them
Dating someone based only on looks is so shallow. Consider other things, like, do they have a lot of money.
Whenever I hear that customer service calls are going to be recorded I do one of my raps because I`m too poor to pay for studio time
Never piss off a woman on her period...scratch that...Never piss off a woman, period.
Things that make women emotional- 1) sad movies 2) love stories 3) anything 4) everything
You know that awkward moment when you thought someone`s talking to you so you reply to them , then they look at you weird .
Some people are like eye-candy... I`m more like eye-meatloaf.
If your friends tell you not to give in to peer pressure and you don`t: technically, you did
*Opens box of cereal* We’ve updated our Privacy Policy
"you failed just as much as your dads condom."