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Doing nothing is very hard to do, you never know when your finished.
It’s all fun and games until they reply to your text with a phone call.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.
I’m too young to be too old for everything.
I drink because people talk.
Things people say after watching a movie: 5% - I can’t wait for the sequel. 5% - That was a great movie. 5% - That was a complete waste of money. 85% - I gotta pee!!
Saying you like one political party over another, is like saying one filthy whore is prettier than the other filthy whore.
"I wanna f*ck you so hard right now." "What?!?" "Damn autocorrect, I meant hey."
Today was about as much fun as a warm toilet seat in a public restroom!
I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.
When the machines rise up against the humans, just pray to your God that you`re nowhere near a dildo factory.
You are more likely to be bitten by a person who believes they are a shark than an actual shark.
I haven`t owned a watch for I don`t know how long.
When you’re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
Next on SportsCenter: Where is Tim Tebow watching the Super Bowl and how will that impact the game?