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Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn`t going according to plan.
If you give me a phone number or directions while I`m on the phone with you, just know that I`m using my very best finger pen and air paper.
If I ignored you any harder, we`d be married.
For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it
I gave my dog a middle name today, so he knows when he`s really in trouble.
People go to the bar hoping for two things ... to get hammered or to get nailed.
Note to self: Stop leaving notes to yourself, you never read them anyway...
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
I hope when I die, it`s early in the morning so I don`t go to work that day for no reason.
If money can’t buy happiness explain pizza.
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, "try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal."
There are people on Facebook who don`t realize the difference between "What`s on your mind" or "I should talk to a therapist about this"
You know what the trouble about real life is? There`s no danger music.
It should really be called teethpaste.