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What`s it called when you always have a sweet tooth, but it`s only for booze?
Dear children, when you look under your bed, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.
Teenage girls hang out in odd numbered groups because they literally can`t even.
Life is better when you can share it with a friend that has the same sick, twisted personality as yourself.
Your license plate should be your phone number... So when you drive like a dumbass, I can let you know about it.
My Wife: Why are you home so early? Me: My boss told me to go to hell
Spicy food is like BDSM for your mouth
Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the checks I write for people and pray they cash them at the teller.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
I think my other three stove burners are becoming jealous of front-right.
The beeping noise from microwave is always 100x’s louder at night.
Snails would be terrifying if they moved quickly.
The best way to hang up on someone is to do it in the middle of your own sentence, that way they will just think you lost service.
all joking aside, think how many babies might be created tonight on valentines day
Facebook really needs a “pee on someone’s wall” option.