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I don`t have the blood alcohol level to deal with you
When people with multiple personality disorders are about to die, whose life flashes before their eyes?
You know what’s more annoying than cops? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.
Nipples (noun) - the body`s way of telling you the weather
We`re all here because we`re not all there...
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself "do I want to see it?" If you do, it`s not on Netflix.
I don`t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense ... Like a Bear at mile 3
Somehow I`m not nearly as overjoyed with this vegetable slicer as the woman on the infomercial was.
I will give you unconditional love as soon as you meet my list of demands.
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes
Got a new blood pressure monitor, says it turns off after 6 minutes of inactivity .....
If you don`t like my facebook posts, feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends` pages where the big news of the day is when their grandkids finally took a $hit all by themselves.
Why has no one invented a button next to snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
That time Homer`s arms were stuck in a vending machine until he realized he could just let go is basically what all of life is like