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It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Immature >>> A word boring people use to describe fun people..
Well that`s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I`m doing.
my friends status was "standing on the edge of a cliff" ... so I poked him
Helpful tip #12: Never buy all the tools you need to kidnap, kill and bury someone from just one store.
I hate bugs that fly, jump, crawl, dougie, twerk, 2 step, all that crap.
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you`re hot.
Y`all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
My ex was in a swimming competition with 19 other women today. They were doing the breaststroke. Unfortunately, she came in last place. She didn`t know she could have used her arms!
Your clothes are making me extremely uncomfortable. Please, take them off.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Dear Santa, before I try to explain…..just how much do you already know?
Gardening is awesome because it is one of the only ways a normal person can be persuaded into buying actual bags of poop.
My neighbor put the box his fridge came in on the curb for trash pickup. Guess who has a new fort!