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There`s nothing as wonderful as waking up in the morning next to a gorgeous smiling face. So I keep a mirror next to my bed.
Does Facebook offer a 401(k)?
It`s never your successful friends posting the inspirational quotes.
You’d think with as much time women spend looking at their ass in the mirror, they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
Look, if your cart is in the middle of the aisle and I need to get by, then yes, this is bumper cars.
I am losing Facebook friends at an alarming rate. Whatever it is that I said, is working like a charm.
If you rearrange the letters of "postmen" they get really pissed off.
My girlfriend called me lazy the other day. I almost responded.
Pretty much the only time I want to hear about your ex is if she`s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I`m good.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does
3 Things you need to know: Yes I Have. Yes I Can. Yes I will.
I once dated a woman who thought windmills were solar powered. I`m so glad I don`t drink anymore.
American Sniper proves that not even being in an active war zone will prevent your spouse from calling you at work.
I`m sure the guy standing at the urinal next to me, regrets wearing those flip flops today.
The awkward moment when you’ve already said “what?” three times and still have no idea what the person said, so you just agree.