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A sure fire way to lose an afternoon, is to help a friend out when he says "come on it will only take a half hour to fix"
Sometimes knowing exactly where you are does not make you any less lost.
To the guys complaining about lack of sex from their woman: supply & demand. Supply better product, they`ll demand it more. -Bfanch
If a cannibal is late to dinner do they give him the cold shoulder?
doesn`t mind that people start spreading rumors about me.. it’s when they spread the truth that I’m screwed ;)
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don`t make the rules.
I`m watching Godzilla tonight.... His parents asked me to babysit
Time to be an adult and give up my bath time rubber ducky. I´m upgrading to the tugboat!
There`s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it`s only lettuce :(
A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.
No one has ever been in an empty room.
Some of the best memories I have are of times right before the cops showed up.
Self checkout must have been invented by a guy who had to buy tampons.
The Spanish version of the Subway jingle “65.63 Peso 0.3 meter largo” isn’t quite as catchy…
I’m actually a really nice guy once you get to blow me.