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I believe in magic because it`s the only way to explain how fitted sheets get folded.
I have a land line just so that I still have the option to slam the phone down when I angrily hang up on someone.
I don`t like the term "stalker". I prefer "unpaid private investigator".
I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with the chair I was sitting on!
I`m so ghetto.... I had lights and water bill in my name before the age of 3..
When in darkness, pray. If you pray and nothing happens, I think it is the high time you paid your electricity bill.
I`m as bored as a guy with no arms looking at porn.
The number one reason why trick or treating is better than sex is, you can do the whole neighborhood.
It`s fun to leave a note on the windshield of an expensive car saying sorry I smashed it, but I fixed it so well that you can`t tell.
Nothing says "I`m unemployed" like wishing for snow on Facebook.
When everything is coming your way ... You`re in the wrong lane.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn`t even lift him.
There`s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it`s only lettuce :(
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I text a lot.
You`re the reason why I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to go to work.