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I end a lot of my sentences with "just saying`, because saying, "you idiot" is considered offensive.
My teen thought it`d be funny to post as me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did New Years Eve and at the beginning add the word "stop."
Psychology — Even trying to spell it correctly screws with your head.
And yet another year goes by with People magazine failing to recognize my beauty.
Can only please one person a day. Today isn’t your day
My right thumb is in the best shape of my life.
It turns out that playing strip solitaire isn`t nearly as much fun as playing strip poker. Especially at work...
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much shit to carry.
Why did they send me to this white room? Do they think I`m crazy? Do they think I`m ...HOLY CRAP THE WALLS ARE FLUFFY!!!
Which one of you is Moderation? I keep getting told we need to drink together.
Don`t kiss behind the garden . Love is blind but the neighbors are not :P
The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would`ve been a lot more interesting.
As I get older, I`ve learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I`m drunk.