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I bought a $300 dollar tent so I can camp outside Best Buy for 3 days to save $20 on a TV.
My head says “go to the gym” but my heart says, “stay on the internet forever and eat!”
Women are like bacon: They look good, They smell good, They taste good, And they will kill you slowly.
My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.
The phrase "don`t take this the wrong way" has zero % success rate
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig ? The letter F ?
Psycho and socio have always been my favorite paths.
Such a satisfying feeling when “the one that got away” turns into “dodged that bullet”
When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans." All I hear is "there`s a bear out there that knows how to use matches."
It`s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
If I didn`t drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
I cant wait to show everyone at work my new cough
I can`t help but smile when I see a woman wearing a Supertramp Concert t-shirt
I think some people just log into Facebook just to send me game requests.
If by time, you mean vodka, then yes, time does heal all wounds.