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This hangover feels like Quentin Tarantino directed it.
For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
Sitting on my hand until it gets numb so it feels like someone else is folding my laundry.
Sorry, I can’t today. My sister’s friend’s mother’s grandfather’s brother’s grandson’s uncle’s fish died, and yes, it was tragic.
So many idiots, so few nuclear warheads....
My favorite drinking game is drinking.
When people tell me that I’ve changed, I want to shake them and tell them: “And so should you!”
Sorry about last night texts. My phone was drunk.
Nothing says "I love you" like my cat aggressively bathing itself immediately after I pet her.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
There is no logical reason why short pants should cost the same as long pants.
Just seen this girl walk into a lamp post! I could have stopped her but that wouldn`t have been funny would it
I decided to make a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number 1: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes?
God is pretty creative. I mean, look at me.
when i die i want to be thrown out of an airplane with a superman costume